RY NOTES: Re-read your professor's instructions. 

The introductory paragraph needs to be more focused. See the tips on introductory paragraphs in the Visual Model for Academic Writing and in the OWC's presentation on Intros and Conclusions.

When you revise, try to use as many active verbs as possible. Example: The Sunderland plant was selected by Nissan’s UK operation for several reasons. Nissan selected the Sunderplant for several reasons. 

Academic writing is formal. We don't write like we talk. Try to eliminate unnecessary words, phrases and sentences.

Each paragraph should cover one point or one sub-point. A paragraph should never run as long as a page. For example, the introductory paragraph is too long. If a paragraph is longer than 5-6 sentences, look for places to create a new paragraph. 

Your opinion or personal experience is irrelevant to an academic research paper. Support your statements with scholarly research.

Proofread. I noticed many errors that should be corrected, including the name of the city. Be sure to use spell and grammar check. Also, print out a hard copy and mark any errors before fixing them on your computer. 

APA: Review the OWC's APA presentation. It explains how to set up in-text cites in a sentence and at the end of the sentence. It also explains how to set up references. Each reference still needs work. Look at the sample References page. Pay attention to where every comma and every period is placed. Look up how to cite electronic sources. APA does not include copyright notices. 

Hope this helps!